


you shouldn't think what you're feeling

by humanluke



Series: 5sos prompts [12]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up, Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:26:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29447754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/humanluke/pseuds/humanluke
Summary: things are tense between calum and ashton.
Relationships: Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin
Series: 5sos prompts [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2019475
Kudos: 2





	you shouldn't think what you're feeling

“Don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you still love me.”

Ashton’s gaze drops away from Calum, who’s expression was suddenly pained by his gaze. He scuffs at the floor with his boot, a hand sliding through brown curls as he looks back up at him. He tries to neutralize his gaze, but it isn’t working, because Calum still looks hurt. He always looks hurt.

“I’m not trying to,” he explains softly. “I just… well, maybe I do. Just not the same way that you love me.” Calum has to look away at this point, fingers fumbling in his pockets. He needs a cigarette before he loses his fucking mind. He finally finds the pack, pulling one out with shaking fingers.

“Don’t fucking start this again,” he gripes, fiddling with the sparkwheel of his lighter. He finally gets it to catch, lighting the end of the cigarette and taking a hit like his life depends on it. “You know what you did. You ended this. Not me. You don’t have the fucking right to come in here and look at me like that.”

“Sorry,” he apologises, and he feels like that’s all he’s ever doing these days. Apologizing for not having the same feelings. “I am, I’m sorry, I want to have the same feelings you do. I just… You know I can’t…”

“No, I get it,” Calum sighs, his tone irritable as he slowly exhales a cloud of grey. He looks a little more relaxed, the nicotine easing the shakiness of his fingers. “You can’t love someone like me. I get it. But stop acting like things are fine. Because they’re fucking not.” Ashton’s face falls a little bit, and he knows this isn’t going to be easy. He broke their bond, broke Calum’s trust, pulling him in with whispers and promises that he turned around and broke.

“I know,” he mutters, and he kicks at some dirt on the ground. He suddenly has a sinking pit in his stomach, and he knows it’s entirely his own fault. There’s no way for him to fix this one -- the damage is irreversible at this point. “I know. But we have to try, you know? For-- for the band.”

“Doesn’t mean that I have to like it,” he huffs, taking another drag. Ashton watches the way he inhales the smoke, like it’s going to magically fix all of his problems if he just keeps it up. He’s sure that Calum is nothing but smoke by the time he stops, letting out an easy sigh and surrounding himself with the grey again. “Doesn’t mean I have to like you.”

“I really do love you, Calum,” he says softly. “Just… you know. You’re my friend. You’re my best friend. You know that. That’s all I have for you.” Calum turns away completely, and Ashton watches as he sees his shoulders shake a little. Calum’s spare hand comes up and brushes tears from his eyes, hating himself for being so weak for him.

“You need to go,” he says, and his tone is so bitter that Ashton feels like he’s been struck with an arrow through the heart. “I can’t be around you anymore.”

“Cal, I--”

“Fucking go, Ashton.” There’s so much venom in his words as he takes another shaky drag, trying to hold back the tears falling from his eyes. Ashton just sighs, and walks away, condemning this to a lost cause.

Calum just sinks to the ground and cries for a while, because all he wanted was to be loved.

**Author's Note:**

> come follow me on [tumblr](http://cakelftv.tumblr.com)!


End file.
